


Even When I had Nothing, I had Your Love

by supreme_genius



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Established Relationship, M/M, Masturbation, Porn With Feels, Sexual Content, post winter soldier
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-02
Updated: 2014-07-02
Packaged: 2018-02-07 02:55:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,265
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1882443
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/supreme_genius/pseuds/supreme_genius
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky has loved Steve a very long time.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Even When I had Nothing, I had Your Love

**Author's Note:**

> I don't own Marvel, Bucky, or Steve.  
> I only own my ridiculous ideas.  
> This is partially beta'd.

Bucky curls up against Steve’s side, getting as close as he possibly could. Some nights he still found it odd. He’d spent so much of his life – well, his life with Steve in the 40s – wishing Steve was curled up against his body. He’d spent so many nights – more than he’d like to admit – thinking about Steve’s slender frame and how it’d feel to curl his body around his friend’s. But they were thoughts that Bucky always kept to himself. Mostly due to the fact that they were illegal and he didn’t want himself – or, god forbid, Steve – to end up in jail or beaten up and left for dead. Plus, there was the fear of rejection. He never thought Steve would go for him; he never showed any interest.

Bucky murmurs sleepy thoughts against Steve’s skin. His face is hidden in the crook of his lover’s neck. He doesn’t really say much of anything; mostly he’s just trying to make up for lost time. Somehow they get on the subject of the old days. Bucky whispers something about loving Steve for as long as he can remember, and it surprises Steve. It was certainly no secret how much of a skirt chaser Bucky Barnes was in the 40s.

Steve sighs; his lips bend into a frown.

“What’s wrong?”

“You don’t have to lie to me, Buck. You love me now and that’s what matters.”

“What’re you talking ‘bout, Stevie?”

Steve sighs again. “Come on. I was no more than a sickly twig of a kid back then. I had nothing to offer. At all. There’s no way you wanted _that_ me. It’s okay. I’m not offended; I _know_ I look better now.” Steve feels like an ass, feels like he just called himself hot shit for being all strong and muscled. But there is no denying that he looks better now. He knows that. There’s no way he believes that Bucky would have wanted him then. He knows Bucky could have had any dame he wanted back then, could have had a big family. “All those dames…you could have had anyone you wanted.”

Bucky shakes his head. “They weren’t what I wanted…I didn’t even sleep with half those girls.”

“Oh, come on, Buck. I hardly believe that.”

Bucky looks almost offended. “They were mostly just to get my mind off what I really wanted." His face softens and he presses a kiss to Steve's jaw. "Couldn't have anyone beatin' on ya just because I was a punk...didn't want to drag ya down with me."

Steve doesn't say anything more than a "hmm" here and there. He knows Bucky would never lie to him, but it’s just so hard to believe that anyone would have wanted that skinny little kid he used to be. He had always felt that Bucky stuck around out of pity. They both knew he was all Steve had. Even when Steve had nothing, he had Bucky. And to be honest, he knew he probably would have died without Bucky.

“Still don’t believe me, do ya?”

Steve just shrugs.

“Still don’t believe that all those times I was jerking off, I was thinking about you? Made sure you knew I was doing it.” Bucky has no shame when it comes to sex or any of the like – not now and not back in the 40s. He had only ever _sort of_ tried to keep it down when he was jerking off in the bathroom. He wanted Steve to hear, but not the people in the apartment next to them. He was quieter the nights he did it in bed, not wanting to wake up Steve. Steve needed a lot of rest back then to keep him healthy. But there were nights when Steve was sound asleep, making quiet murmuring sounds that drove Bucky mad. Sometimes he swore Steve did it on purpose. He couldn’t stop his hand from sneaking under the sheets and into his pants.

Steve’s heart skips a beat thinking about Bucky in the bathroom of their ratty old apartment – touching himself with only the thought of Steve on his mind. Steve almost lets out a whine.

“Only got it up for those dames when I was thinkin’ of you.” Even though the two of them were lying so close, curled up so tightly together, that they practically became one being, Bucky manages to wrap his arms more tightly around Steve.

“C’mon. Some of them dames were real pretty.”

“Yeah, but they weren’t you.” Bucky sighs. “Steve, I don’t know what I can say to make you believe me, but it’s true. I’d never lie to you.”

“I know you wouldn’t.”

“So what’s the problem?”

“It’s just hard to believe. I mean, what could have possibly seen in me then?”

Bucky pushes himself up and lies on Steve’s chest so he can see his boyfriend properly. At first, Steve hisses at the cold sting of Bucky’s metal arm, but it’s so humid and then the cold of the metal feels like heaven sent.

“For starters, you were the bravest guy I knew. You stuck to your guns, always did what you thought was right, were never afraid to stand up to guys twice or three times your size if they were being assholes. You jumped on a grenade at boot camp.” Bucky watches as Steve’s eyes grow wide. “Yeah, I know about that.” Bucky shakes his head but smiles. “I loved watching you draw. You had such talent. You were kind and genuine and warm. You made me want to be a better guy.” Bucky sighs. “All of it still holds true.” As Bucky thinks about all the things he loved about Steve, he realizes there is so much more that he doesn’t know how to put into words. Then he gets sad. He knows he doesn’t deserve Steve – never has, never will. “I’m sorry we couldn’t just have a normal life together.”

“James Buchanan Barnes.” Steve pushes Bucky off of him and sits up, pulling Bucky close. He cups his lovers jaw in his hands and looks him in the eyes. “Sure, maybe our lives have been chaotic. Life certainly didn’t play out how I planned. But we got a second chance, okay?”

“But – ” _But I tried to kill you and your friends and your team. But I killed innocent people. I killed important people. My ledger is covered in red._

“Don’t even say it. Any of it. I know exactly what you’re thinking. Everything that happened – that wasn’t you. It was your body, but it wasn’t _you_. For all intents and purposes, that was a completely different person to me – not the guy in bed with me. You’re not the Winter Soldier. You are James Buchanan Barnes: my best friend and the man I love more than anything. I love you. _All_ of you.” He leans his head and kisses Bucky.

So maybe they both had issues to deal with. Steve might never believe that Bucky loved the pre-serum version of him and Bucky may never believe that he deserves Steve. But every mission, when Bucky buckles the chin strap of Steve’s helmet and kisses him for good luck, Steve is one step closer to believing just how much Bucky loved him back in the 40s. And every time Steve grabs Bucky’s metal hand – rather than the one made of flesh and bone – and holds it as they walk through the store or the park or wherever they are, Bucky is one step closer to feeling like he deserves the man next to him.


End file.
